One of the best things you can do for another person is give them space and silence. Like uncomfortable silence. You give the other person time to gather their thoughts. Just when you think you can’t take it any longer, wait three more seconds.
Lazy Question
This question helps you help them, empowering the other person to figure it out for themselves. Asking “How can I help?” gives your colleague the support to figure out and make a request on their own, and it also stops you from assuming you know what’s best. It keeps you from popping into action.
Get to the point
If you’d like to be more direct than “How can I help?,” try “What do you want from me?” Make sure to keep your tone in mind so it comes out the way you intended.
If needed, the question can always be softened with:
- Out of curiosity…
- Just so I know…
- Help me understand better...
- To make sure I’m clear...
If you are asking this question, it might create stress for you, like not knowing in a thrasher movie what will happen next?
Scratch that, we all know what happens next in those movies. But keep this in mind…it doesn’t matter what kind of answer you get from your coworker, you do have a wide range of responses to potentially come back with:
- The obvious: “Yes.” But please please please only say it if you mean it.
- “No, I can’t do that.” You’re being honest.
- “I can’t do that but” – is a good old-fashioned compromise.
- “Let me think about it” – this is a good one, it gives you time to do research if needed.
The goal of this is to not come to someone’s rescue. Instead of giving advice, let them figure it out for themselves. They’ll grow confidence in finding their own answers.
When this happens…write out the moment, the person and perhaps the feelings that are your trigger.
- Someone drops by, slack, emails, pops over cube wall, and asks, “How do I?”
Instead of…write out the old habit you want to stop doing.
- Giving the answer.
I will…describe your new habit.
- A version of “how can I help?” or “what do you want from me?”
Still reading along? Head on over to The Drama Triangle, and check out "How can I help?"
