Developing Coaching Habits: What do you want?

[jaimehonaker]

The first three questions we have covered create a solid base for a coaching conversation. Let’s take a quick recap at the first three questions we have covered, in the form of this example:

What’s on your mind?

I don’t have time to get everything done.

Is there anything else on your mind?

None of my INTs would be good for KB articles.

So what’s the real challenge here for you I can’t find any articles to write KBs for.

And what else is the real challenge here for you I am not comfortable with creating KB articles.

Is there anything else? I don’t have the time to create KB articles.

SO what’s the real challenge here for you?

I don’t know how to work it into my process to create quality KB articles.

The Foundation question – What do you want?

Are we ever for certain of what we actually want? If your answer was no, how can you expect someone else to know? If we go into any conversation assuming the other person knows what we wants, or can read our minds, we set both ourselves and the person we are talking to up for failure and frustration.

Wants and needs are two different things. Wants are the requests we can derive from a situation. This could resemble something like getting (a quantity) of articles completed by a certain date to having the time to create a blog post about something you just discovered. This is usually answered by the question, “what do you want?”

Needs are a little different, they lay below the surface and can help you understand what is behind the want. The next time you ask someone “what do you want?” see if you can read more into it and the need that is masked by the person’s request. Let’s use the above example, “I don’t have time to create KB articles.” What they might really be asking for is more support, or help with creating the articles, maybe work through an article or two with them from an INT/Case.

Being aware of this helps you best tackle the want. Which in turn helps you understand your request for what you want, if you can figure out the need behind the request. Ask and answer. Understanding what the other person wants puts us in a unique situation.

Fight or Flight

We constantly scan our environment to determine our level of safety. Constantly. We all want to feel safe in situations, especially if our lives depend on it. But even if not. We are at our smartest when we feel safe, and our brain operates at peak in this mode, feeling the support of the people around us. When we sense danger, whether it’s a physical or emotional threat, things become the opposite. We assume everyone is out to get us, and situations become black and white.

Don’t run off, just yet!

At the same time you want people to feel comfortable with you, you have also got to step out of your comfort zone. See how that works? How do you help others understand that a conversation can be rewarding, and not just risky?

Author of The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier calls it the TERA quotient. These four keys reflect how the brain looks at a situation.

• T – Tribe – Are you with me or against me?
• E – Expectation – Do I know the future or don’t I? If the answer is clear, we feel safe. If it’s not, we don’t.
• R – Rank – Are you more important or less important than I am? If you feel less important, chances are you feel less secure.
• A – Autonomy – Do I have a say, or don’t I? If you feel you have a choice, then you are much likely to consider this reward and offer to engage. If you feel like you don’t have a choice, it doesn’t feel safe.

Understanding these and asking “what do you want?” will help make the conversation more comfortable for both of you. It increases connection, assuming other person’s ability to figure things out for themselves, and gives them the benefit of the doubt, by allowing them to answer first.

When this happens…write out the moment, the person and perhaps the feelings that are your trigger.

• The conversation feels stuck or working in a circle. You might feel procrastination (you or them) and are not sure why.

Instead of…write out the old habit you want to stop doing.

• When you feel confident you know what they want, but haven’t actually asked, or even when you think you’ve got it, but may be missing something.

I will…describe your new habit.

• Ask “What do you want?”

Enjoying these posts? Check out The Tera Quotient – tactics and behaviors to help yourself and others stay engaged.